It's been hard

Love radiance strength. 

It's been FOREVER.  Life is busy. Last night was a hard night.  My oldest had a "fit" an escalation. 

The day after a huge fit is always a somber day.  My eyes are swollen from wiping away tears and trying to hold them back.  I want to curl up in my huge quilt and watch mundane tv shows that make me not think about anything.  I only want my dog around me. He is my favorite.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to sob!! A thick sob that comes from the bottom of my broken heart.  My heart still hurts.  It aches. I ache for a "normal" kid.  I would even take a non-aggressive, non- fit throwing, non- swearing, non- breaking everything in sight, kid.  But I have mine. And of course I take it. We all do. My very aggressive, fit throwing, swearing, breaking everything in sight kid.  And he is 15. We all take it. Hard.  

I read a blog recently about how it's a lonely lonely life being a mother of a disabled child.  It is! Most of my time is spent trying to calm or help alleviate stress for my 15 year old.  And when he is in a good place. I get to spend that time with my other kids.  One of whom has Asperger.  And when all 4 of my kids are fully charged and know how truly loved they are every second of every day.  I try my best to make time for my husband.  Who sadly, most of the time falls to the wayside. So having time for friends is nearly impossible.  A "girls night" is a rare rare thing that's almost within reach if I can keep my eyes open past 8pm. And only if my kids are in good spaces.  My husband is the most understanding, loving, kind, honest, person I have ever met.  He deserves so much more.  

Life goes on.  We do our best. That's all we can do I suppose.  We celebrate the good days.  Try to get past the bad.  Try to forget the bad days.  While still "learning" from it.  

What the Hell is going on?

     Well hello again old friend. I can't say I haven't missed you.  I guess I turn here when I'm feeling like my parenting skills are reaching their limits.  I feel stressed and pulled in every direction, and honestly it would be amazing to run away. Blogging seems to be my little escape.

     My oldest son B. is bi-polar, with ADD and anxiety.   It's a struggle to get through each day sometimes without having him get upset.   We try not to tiptoe, but it's hard when we have 3 other children in the home.  He is a kind hearted boy when he can be.  The past few weeks have been great.  He really has been a help around the house, and with the kids.  Last night he got J to eat all his chicken, by promising to play candy land.  And you know what he did! He followed through and also played checkers.  Like I said when he's good he is really good.

     Aaron has Asperger’s, and is good in school, but crashes as soon as her gets home.  Hyper, wrestling, yelling, easily upset.  But that’s another post.

     And Jack, he is our easiest. Unless you tell him no.   Then all hell breaks loose.  Again another time.

      My daughter N is the one who has been having a wicked hard time lately.   I think it’s safe to start off with the fact that she was adopted at 2 years old from foster care.  She knew too much about how to do things and seemed too grown up.  It’s terribly sad.  We don't know what happened exactly.  Which is also sad?  Well lately she has been stealing things from kids at school.  Just swiping their stuff right off their desks, of out of their lockers.  Also she has been talking to kids about kissing and sex.  bum bummmmmmmm    She thinks kissing is sex.  We don't know where she got the word.  She says from her other friend.  But seriously she is just 7.  That word should not be in the vocabulary.  So almost every day I get a phone call home about my not so princess.  I made her an appointment for a therapist.   I fear it could be a reactive attachment disorder.   It would make sense.  When she first came home to us she would, on the surface, love and attach to anyone.  You could see it was just on the surface.   Till this day she still has little empathy for anyone or anything.  She also has little concept of right and wrong.  Obviously.  Or consequences

      Every day is a struggle for whoever you are and I know we could be much worse off, but jeez I could use a break.  

Please don't eat so fast

So when we are at the dinner table, my kids are PIGS!  all kids are.  but mine seem to make grunting noises, and have wet food flying around the table out of their mouths.  My biggest thing at dinner is to tell the kids they need to slow down, which is almost always followed up with some remark from them like " I am" or " ok mom" so then i have to swallow the vomit erupting in my belly from watching chewed wet food fly toward me in slow motion.  " Don't talk with food in your mouth, EEWWWEE"  They laugh, cause i say eewwee, but i'm not laughing.  am i not seeing some humor that some nicer mom might see.  I love the sound of a kids laugh as much as the next chick, but i truly hate the sound of laughter mixed with food.  so gross.  And i hate it even more now.  I started weight watchers so i'm constantly coveting other peoples food.  I will make a kick ass meatloaf with A1, and cheese oh mama, and i get to watch my kids and husband make mouth love to it while i get a smart one for 6 points.  I could have an ounce of the delicious meatloaf for 6 points, but what a horrible tease!

Ok. So it's been forever since I have blogged anything. Mostly because i feel like i need to be cute and witty all the time. It's really time I get back into the swing of things witty or not. so I'm going to start with my kids ages. Jack is 2, Aaron is 4, Nariyah is 5, and Baily is 12! Wow when your a new mom and everyone comes unto you saying enjoy them, cause it goes by so fast. Well let me tell you it really does. It feels like yesterday I was living In a one bedroom apartment with my little Baily. It's funny where life takes you. At just 17 I had a baby and a crappy apartment and an even crappier car.
So the past two weeks I have been taking this parenting class. It's all about development through play, and positive parenting. I love it! But I feel like I already do everything that the teacher is telling us to try to do. Not to toot my own horn, but I guess I'm the perfect parent. Ummmmmm NO!! Parenting 4 kids is the hardest thing I can think of, and I have a wonderful partner in this too. But back to what the teacher is saying. Like let the child lead in play time. I do that. Mostly cause I'm cleaning around them while they are playing. Or (sad to admit this) playing with my dumb smart phone. I really need to put that stupid thing down and listen better. That's my next week resolution. Only use my phone as a phone. HHMMMMMM. Let's see how this goes. I guess that's the thing. I complain that the kids grow up to fast and then when we are supposed to be making memories, I'm cleaning or on my phone. So I will relax and let my kids lead me through play. I need to enjoy them, cause it all goes by so fast.

We are family!

“We are a family” is what I hear myself saying a lot lately. Like when my eleven year old yells at my four year old, for sitting next to him on the couch. I know, I know, it’s sibling stuff, normal, right? But I hate it. If we teach our children to be kind and respectful to complete strangers, then why don’t we teach kindness and patience on our home? I am so guilty of being the mom that yells from across the playground “stop putting sand in your sisters underwear”!!! only to get the stink eye from the mom with only one perfect little child. I guess in a way I feel bad for that child. He can’t poor sand down anyone’s pants, and no one to poor it down his. How boring is that? My kids although they fight, they will always have someone to play with. Someone to poor sand down their pants. Someone to wipe boogers on. Someone to help you climb on top of the dresser to get the entire pack of wipes‘. Someone to snuggle with when you feel sad. My kids will always have that.

So when Aaron my 3 year old hits his sister who is 4, I tell him that we are all family, and we are always going to have each other. We will always need to be there for one another. So use your hands for being a helper not a hitter. And usually he will he will say sorry and rub her booboo. And then he will share his toys. I really try to drive home the fact that forever and ever they will need each other, so be kind and respectful to each other. And please don’t put sand in places it shouldn’t be. ♥ 

let clean up our toys please.......for the eighth time

O.K. so as adults picking up our things comes kind of natural, ( unless you’re a man) Just kidding. But it does come natural to a point. As adults when we get out of the shower we hang up our towel, and put out dirty clothes in the hamper. Or when your done eating you put your dishes in the sink. It’s natural. You know that no one is there to pick up after you and if you let the towel stay on the floor it will get really stinky really quick. But to children on the other hand it does not come natural. In fact it’s just the opposite. A kid will fight tooth and nail not to pick anything up….EVER!
So tonight I am making my usual nightly rounds of dishes, laundry, vacuum, mop and I notice, hard not to, that there is about 150 legos all over my living room floor. Now I know I should be more observant, but dinner laundry and kids got in my way. So I say “who did this”? to my surprise my husband answer, “ Oh Aaron did that like a half hour ago”. so I stare at him dumbfounded. “ you idiot I want to yell at him. Why aren’t they cleaned up. Why must it always be up to me? But I cant say that to him. I love him. So I do ask “well why didn’t you make him clean them up?” I get this look like the one I was just giving him. So now we’re standing there looking stupidly at each other. He says, “ I was busy playing with the kids.” I wanted to slap him so hard. He is a grown man and he didn’t think to clean up his toys. I take a deep breath because I don’t want to yell at my husband in front of my kids. Do you guys think we could clean them up now I need to vacuum. So he gets all the kids involved and they all clean up. Now all of this probably took a minute if that, but it’s the whole friggin idea that no matter what for the absolute rest of my life I will have to be asking someone to clean up after themselves. Really? A grown man can’t even think to clean up never mind my kids.
I want to pack up what’s necessary, with my family and move to some tropical island. We will live in a hut on the beach and sell coconuts to tourists. I can home school, and we will live off the land. I wont have to remind anyone to cleanup toys, because they will not have them here. They will have seashells, and sticks and coconut shells. And what am I going to say “ pick up all the seashells off the front sand dune.” no I wont cause It will be paradise. Heath will never be stressed out from work, and I will relax in the sand everyday with my brown babies and my red 11 year old. Ohh doesn’t it sound divine? No need for bras or pants or any of that. When you go to a party you will never have to ask what is the attire? What else would it be? Your bathing suit and a sarong. Hello!?! It’s frickin paradise.
But we all know none of us will do that. No one has the Gaul to pack up and go, it’s so scary out there. Out in the unknown, where would you live? What if everyone there hated you? What if no one liked your coconuts? That is what kids feel everyday. Everyday is unknown for kids, what is the boy in class is mean again. When will I get a glass of milk next, when is dinner? Why do I have to pick up my toys? Parenting is all about taking a step back and realizing that kids are unsure about everything. They don’t know when dinner is because they cant’ tell time, and if you say few minutes they don’t know how long that is, so they will just keep asking. They don’t understand why they have to clean up their toys, they just know its boring. So as parents we need to do a lot of explaining and talking and nurturing, and loving and hugging and kisses, and calming, and reassuring to our kids that we are hear for them, to listen to them even if they aren’t getting the right question across. "when is dinner"? isn't just that, it's my tummy hurts and i'm really hungry and what is a few minutes?  well i'm going to try to listen to the real question next time.  and not get upset when they ask over and over agian.......I siad i'll try

It's not fair, Well no i guess it's not

Sometimes I feel like a child. I just want to stomp my feet and scream it’s not fair!!! Cause it’s not. Life is so not fair. Whether it’s not being able to have a turn on the swings at the very second you want one, or if it’s the fact that all of my children have lost a parent. Each one of them. That’s not fair! They are all loved so much but still the loss will always leave a scar on their heart. Knowing that your biological parent either couldn’t have you, or didn’t want you? My heart breaks everyday for my babies. “It’s not fair” I want to scream at the world. To bring pain to my kids. How dare they. Those biological parents. They make me so angry sometimes. Today especially. Somedays I rationalize all of it. The kids are better off this way, with two parents that love them so wholly and unconditionally. But somedays it boils my blood to think that these people are out there living there lives, with new people and new kids. Why do they get to do that? Why do the next kids get feel the touch of their bio-parents hand and not my child. It’s not fair!!! So when my four year old cries because it was her turn next on the slide and someone cut in front, I will feel her pain, cause that’s really not fair! And it will take some serious strength not to rip that child of the slide and let them know that my daughter was next.











P.S. Feeling kind of pissy today